How to Overcome Mum Guilt 2/2

Now that you’ve read about why mum guilt happens, here are some tips that will help you during the experience of those guilt trips.

1. Write Got Done Lists

In addition to or instead of a To Do list a GOT DONE list has the biggest impact on improving my mood when I get into a mum guilt cycle. 

A got done list is a place where you list all the things you have achieved in the day. 

For example: 

• Fed the kids

• Fed myself 

• Changed nappies

• Took Daughters out to play

• Posted parcels

• Wrote a blog post

• Connected with mamas friends

• Cooked dinner 

• Tidied the living room

• Went for a walk

These are all small and simple things, but there’s quite a bit there and I feel very accomplished having done so much. 

I always say all that ought to be on a got done list is, ‘fed’ and ‘loved’ yourself and your little ones and that is enough. 

2. Tell Your Kids You Love Them

This one is the most simple and perhaps most effective. As we have seen in every Disney movie ever – love conquers all. Love trumps guilt too! 

Just spend a moment telling your child/ren you love them. It will allow you and them to know that whatever it is you feel guilty about isn’t powerful enough to override the feeling of love you both have for each other. 

3. Understand the Purpose of Guilt 

Have you done or said something that has caused harm? If not the feeling is unnecessary and you simply just needed to remind yourself of that. 

4. Let Go By Feeling The Feelings 

Oftentimes we try to talk ourselves out of our feelings, especially when they are feelings we consider negative. Think about these feelings as rotting teeth, we go to the dentist and we get them taken out. We first determine that these teeth are less than ideal, we sit with the dentist for a while and come up with a plan and then we go through with a procedure to heal the teeth or to take them out. 

Imagine if when the dentist takes the tooth out, you see it, decide that you don’t like the look of it, it grosses you out and so you tell the dentist to put it back in. That wouldn’t happen. You see it because it’s leaving and that’s the goal. It’s the same with feelings.

Now think about what we do with our feelings. We determine there is a feeling we don’t like, but instead of taking time with it and working out a way for it to leave, we distract ourselves and we try to compensate for that feeling. 

What if you actually sit with the feeling of guilt and feel it rise up in your throat like an avacado seed? What happens if you just be present with the feeling, observing the thoughts that come along with it. Just observing, not accepting or judging, just observing. This is called letting go. You simply let go of the need to do something to replace or hide the feeling. You let go of any effort and you just let the feelings be. 

It’s tough, is it. But usually the feelings leave a lot sooner than when we try to do all sorts to get rid of them. 

I wish you all the best on your journey through motherhood and through life. I hope this post will help, please do let me know on the comments if it does.

Cx

Different Thoughts That Cause Mum Guilt and How to Cope with Mum Guilt 1/2

When we experience guilt or more specifically mum guilt we tend to be working through some of the unhelpful thinking habits which are known as mental filter, judgement, compare and despair, critical self, and shoulds and musts. 

Mental filter

The Mental Filter thinking habit can be likened to a sink strainer think of the food and leftover waste as the bad stuff and think of the water as the good stuff. The strainer will let all the water pass through and only catch the food – the bad stuff. Sometimes our minds do the same thing it will filter out all of the good things and only catch on to and focus on things are not so good.

When we are experiencing mum guilt what we tend to do is filter out all the times that we gave our babies cuddles, we made them feel loved, that we made sure that they were safe and clean and warm. We filter out all of that and we focus on the fact that we shouted at them during a tantrum or that we were on our phone for three hours rather than playing with them on the floor or that we had to go out while they were sick – we just focus on the ‘bad’ stuff happening right now.

✨It would be helpful to take a moment to try and remember all of the good things that you have done for your child in addition to what it is that you’re experiencing right now.

Judgements

The Judgements thinking habit occur when we make an evaluation about whether the situation is good or bad, whether it’s beneficial or detrimental. It’s not necessarily either, it’s just our perception of it. 

For example, in one country it may be deemed negative to continually tell your child that you love them because it teaches them to be ‘needy,’ whereas in another country it may be deemed positive to tell your child that you love them because it teaches them to be ‘ emotionally strong’. It’s all a matter of perception.

✨It would be helpful to remember that we are falling into the thinking habit of judgements and that we don’t necessarily need to feel negatively towards any particular situation.

Compare and Despair + Critical Self

The Compare and Despair thinking habit is when we see the good or the positive aspects in other people and when we look at ourselves negatively in comparison. We put ourselves down, we blame ourselves for events and situations that are not our fault and we look at others and think that they’re not doing the same so therefore we must be bad and they must be good.

✨It would be helpful to remember that everyone, every single person on the face of this earth, has tough days too. It would be helpful to not look at other people and see how ‘well’ they’re doing and just focus on yourself and focus on your family. If you must compare, compare yourself to a previous version of yourself. You’ll see how far you’ve come.

Shoulds and Musts

The biggest cause of mum guilt or any type of guilt is – expectations. We expect that we should be able to do all the things we plan to do, be the most attentive parent, never get upset, have time for self care, have energy to work on our hobbies and side hustles, be the best lover to our partners, have a partner, be fit, and on and on and on. These expectations are sometimes unrealistic and then when things happen that don’t live up to our expectations we tend to feel bad about them. We can also feel anxious as if it is going to continue this way for the rest of our lives or that because it didn’t go the way we planned we’re not as good as we hoped we’d be and as a result we feel disappointed in ourselves; we feel guilty. 

✨It would be helpful if we try to remember that even when our expectations fall through you are still an amazing parent. It may also be helpful if you can plan to do only one or two things a day and then look at everything else as a bonus.

Hope this post helps you to understand why mum guilt may happen, here’s another post with a few ideas on what you can do to ease mum guilt a little bit. 

Breastfeeding Aversion and Agitation / Nursing Aversion

This is a post to show some solidarity among us. Here are some other mother’s experiences of nursing aversion in their own words.

1. “Oh my goodness.

Nursing aversion is an unnecessary cruelty in my book.

I’ve BF my little man for 26 months. I’ve always loved the closeness of feeding him and the quiet cuddly time we get together- so nursing aversion was like a bolt out of the blue!

I’m currently pregnant again and I think the aversion has had a lot to do with the hormones/pressures/expectations and my own uncertainties about what the hell I want to do about weaning or not weaning, tandem feeding or not.

I’d describe it as pure and liquid rage. It boils up inside you out of nowhere and suddenly your only enemy is the little person suckling. The calm, content babe you’ve been feeding so happily suddenly becomes the epicentre for a world of blood curdling, skin crawling feelings.

It’s like every cell in your body wants to push them away from you. Get them off you. Not be touched. Not be in that moment and it’s so hard not to just make them stop.

I’ve actually found myself pulling my own hair, biting my hands or swearing under my breath just to release the tension and anger I’ve felt.

But that isn’t even the worst part- the worst part comes after you stop. They stop. It stops…

Then comes the heart sinking, world ending guilt and remorse. How can you be such a bad mother? How can you feel so much anger towards someone so small who just needs you. Genuinely needs you.

Are you that selfish?

It can be a really lonely and dark place until you speak out. Realise you’re not the only one and other women have been and do suffer the same feelings.

… I can’t say I have any magical “this helped”, advice.

I decided to night wean and I’ve had to make this decision for us both as I didn’t feel I could be my best. I didn’t like being so angry and finding it so hard and I’ve listened to my body and set some boundaries.

For me, for us- that was the right thing to do. It’s another one of those “find your own paths” which can be so hard with natural weaning and prolonged breast feeding. Sometimes it can feel like you fall between the ” feed til they want to stop” and “weaned at 10-12 months” camps and don’t know who you can relate or talk to.

Anyway, sorry!! I’ve rambled on an awful lot…

I love your page and I’m in awe of you, your spirit and motivation is amazing and you’ve created such a nice space on here 🙂 so thank you xx” – Anonymous

2-

Nursing aversion, oh god, felt like some kind of mental torture. A feeling of absolute dread and disgust. It terrified me to feel like that about my baby and it started to affect our bond. Ended up weaning at 17 months – cold turkey – literally couldn’t do another feed. She was amazing with it, adjusted to cuddles and snacks instantly. Thankfully no aversion with her baby sister!

3.

So nursing aversion for me is when even the thought of nursing made my skin crawl. I breastfed twins exclusively until weaning started & carried on well after their 3rd birthday. Tandem feeding was so intense when the frequency & demands were high. I felt claustrophobic almost, like I needed to get away.

I think a lot of it was down to sleep deprivation as I co-slept with both babies and nursed on demand, all night long.

I had a mantra that steered me during this time “never give up on a bad day.” I found meditation helped. I used to focus on my breath – count breathing in 4 and breathing out for 4. I’ve said about this time that it was a spiritual experience. As hard as it was, I persevered and dedicated myself to something bigger than my own needs.

Maybe if I’d only had one child nursing, then I might have weaned during this time. But honestly with the logistics & stress of two babies wanting to nurse – I took the path of least resistance & carried on through it all. Xx

4-

I found and still find it hard to have given up but I definitely was having aversion beforehand so i try to remember that having weaned is also good for me in other ways. Looking back it’s always through Rose tinted glasses but I think I found the bodily autonomy thing difficult, like it was annoying to be on demand when it was sometimes just out of boredom he’d be looking to be nused. It got to the stage where I couldn’t sit on the couch and when you’re a sleep deprived mother you need to sit down. It’s also a mixture of just wanting to have yourself to yourself and then feeling guilty about it.

5 –

I had long term aversion with both my children. When I fed I felt claustrophobic, anxious and at times angry. I helped it by combi feeding with formula (I hated pumping) and fed for a year for both through Tongue ties, reflux and 6 bouts of mastitis.

It wasn’t easy but laziness and knowing the health benefits they got helped me along, I would never recommend someone feel the way I did and keep feeding if they didn’t want to however I knew it was aversion and mental health and was very informed on it so felt able to push on.

I also am totally disorganised so remembering to prep bottles for days out didn’t happen!

🤱🏻🤱🏼🤱🏽🤱🏾🤱🏿

Is this the first time you’ve heard of Nursing Aversion? Have you experienced it before? Leave a comment and share your experiences too. It’ll go a long way.

Simple advice on becoming a mother by Chaneen Saliee

When I was pregnant I remember thinking I’d go back to work, I’d be travelling solo again by the time that baby was eating real food and I genuinely believed that not much would change for me at all. I even had the discussion with my mum, several times. I told her I was scared that having a child would end my world, and that I didn’t want to do it – not yet, I wasn’t ready. She told me I would be okay and no matter what I wanted to do after I had the baby, she’d be there for me, she’d be there for my child. I often brought this up in conversations and reminded her of the trips I’d be taking (without baby). I brought them up often, just so she remembered she promised to be there too look after my little one whenever I needed her to. And she did, she always remembered and she was always was on side. So I felt reassured throughout my pregnancy.

When my Jasmine was born, my whole world flipped. I didn’t want to be away from her, at all. I remember being sent upstairs to get some sleep. I was a wreck of a sleep deprived mess, but we’ll get into that another time. My mum sent me upstairs to sleep for a few hours while she looked after the baby. I obliged, begrudgingly.

Within half an hour of falling asleep I’d wake up again, startled, pulling back the covers, looking for my baby. When I’d finally remember that she wasn’t in bed with me, I’d run, jump actually, three of four steps at a time, downstairs to see her.

“Chaneen, she’s fine. Go and get some sleep.” My mum said.

‘Go and get some sleep?’ I thought to myself. ‘I’ve been asleep.’

I’d check the time and see that only half and hour had passed since I was last down here. I could see that she was fine. She was loved. She was happy even. But I had been asleep (for about 25 minutes) and I was ready to have my baby back.

This continued for a few weeks, and my attachment continued for several months.

When Jasmine was about 6 months, ha around about the time I thought I’d be travelling for days on end without her, I left her over night for the first time. I say over night, I was back at my mum’s house by 11pm. It was then that I realised, I am truly an attached parent. And I’m okay with that, it’s not at all what I had planned. But who cares about sticking to plans which don’t serve you in real time?

It’s also not what many people would deem healthy, but, once again, who cares, it’s not their baby and I’m not their mother.

I’m choosing to be home with my babies, to breastfeed them, to co sleep with them, to apologise to them, to listen to them, to carry and baby wear them REGARDLESS what anyone else thinks.

My number one tip to any new mother is: first decide what type of mother you want to be, know inside out what that looks like for you and then be that. Be that wholeheartedly and despite what anyone else is doing or saying about it. This way, no amount of ‘advice’ or criticism will sway you, unless you allow for it. Similarly, let yourself be okay with the idea of change. You may change your mind and decide what you had planned isn’t what you want anymore. That’s okay – even if you told 100 people that you were going to do or be X, if G appeals more to you, go be G.

How to be G, even when it’s scary.

– Research. Research as much possible. Research internally and ask yourself why it’s so important to do it this way. What is it about other methods your not keen about?

– Research the benefits of doing it your way.

– Research and find communities that are in support of your approach.

Once you know know know deep down in your heart you are doing the best for you and your child on SOO MANY levels – you will find comfort in that even when your way may be unconventional.

I’m sending you love and strength 🥰

Travelling With a Baby and a Toddler- it can be done!

I vividly remember crying at Victoria Station in London one cold winter night. I was a few weeks pregnant, miserable about it and anxious beyond belief that the baby in my belly would make my dream to travel the world come to an end so quickly. I had only gotten on my first ever flight two or three years before and I had fallen so deeply in love with the world that anything that came between us (the world and I) was a deal breaker and had to be deleted from my life immediately.

Yet, here I was, face to face with a reality that meant I could not dance in the rain, make love by the ocean, canoodle with the winds at 300ft in the air, make eyes at beautiful people while enjoying the architecture of things I never even knew could have been forged by human hands. Here I was, crying, out loud, like serious ugly crying, at Victoria station. What a time to contemplate.

B stood over me, looking down at me as though I was nuts. He soothed himself by reminding us both that I was so pumped of hormones at this moment and that I wouldn’t feel this way forever. So, ultimately remembering the thing about the hormones and ceasing this public meltdown would be the best course of action.

Hah. At that I battered him with more harsh words, because after all it was him that ‘did this’ to me.

After that, I spend the next few months depressed about the imminent entrapment coming my way. Until I decided that actually I could still travel no matter what came my way. I’m a self proclaimed rebel at heart. Even if they (literally no one but myself) said I couldn’t I would do it anyway. I would keep being a global citizen during my pregnancy until I could no more. I started in Amsterdam, then to Barcelona, Austria, Gran Canaria, and Romania.

Once my Jasmine was born I fell in love with her so much that I forgot about travelling altogether for three months. But, oh, did she have her passport ready soon after that. I started her off at five months in Malaga, Spain. Then we did a solo trip (sort of unexpectedly) to Zakinthos, Greece. Here I met the most amazing couple who basically adopted us as their own and took us under their wings and on to their road trip. Without them I would have been bored and lonely.

I learned, in Greece, that travelling for me wasn’t about seeing the most places just for the sake of it. I learned that what I love about travelling is the time spent with loved ones or strangers who would become loved ones through shared experiences, undivided attention and adventures both good and bad.

Jasmine and I also travelled to Bristol, Devon and Great Yarmouth within the UK because I vowed not to force international trips. If I couldn’t go abroad with friends and family, I’d be happy spending time away with them in our home country. Then, (with a teeny tiny Ocean comfy in my womb) we ventured outside of Europe to Rwanda and then a month later New York.

Having had Ocean 5 months ago, I just returned from my first trip with both baby and toddler and I have to say, besides all of the itching, scratching and scolding (myself for itching and scratching) I’m feeling all sorts of proud. Accomplished even.

Since my melt down in Victoria station that day, during my first pregnancy, I’ve been on a total of 13 trips. I can proudly tell myself and anyone else anxious about being able to continue travelling with babies /children – it can be done, I have done it. Every single time the stress levels may have hit the roof BUT every single time we made it out into the world and back happily and safely. So yeah, it can be done.

✨

Here are something I’ve learned on my travels with the girls:

1. Work with your children’s interests or routine. Pack a bag of some lightweight and smaller new and old toys / activities to keep your children entertained while travelling. Alternatively, by choosing to fly during nap times you can make your journey less stressful knowing that your little one will be asleep throughout the flights.

2. Do expect it to be easy, don’t expect it to be impossible either. There is no magic potion to make travelling easy without kids, so there sure isn’t going to be one to make it easy with them.

Things happen, things go missing, people aren’t always nice or helpful, it’s just the way life is. But guess what, that also means … things happen, you find new things, sometimes people, strangers can be more loving and more helpful then family, it’s just the way life is.

Be prepared because anything can happen, be kind to yourself and be kind to you kiddies, it’ll all work itself out in the end.

3. Prepare. Prepared your thoughts. (Number 2) Prepare your accommodation and transportation in advance. It’s better to have to cancel a taxi or a hotel room of you find a better alternative than it is to be stranded without.

4. Go minimal. When packing, bring the minimal amount of things to get you through a day. Get a place with a washing machine and at the end of each day, you can wash up and start again with the same items of clothes, muslins, reusable nappies (etc.)

Getting through security at airports means unloading and loading again the fewer items you have the easier it will be.

5. Ask for help. Whether you are flying solo or you have a partner or friend don’t be afraid to ask for help. Usually airports and airlines have great little perks for people with children. Priority access and little entertainment packs. Sometimes these are not well advertised and you need to be brave enough to ask.

Similarly, most people are happy to help hold a bag while you fold the buggy or watch the little one while you nip to the loo.

The worst case scenario, when you ask they’ll say no, but you’ll have a hundred other people who’ll be more than happy to help.

Bonus tip, as a solo traveller I’ve learned it’s important to make friends on your journey. Whether this is going back to the same restaurant frequently or saying hi to the other couple with kids, you may make some great life long friends and future travel companions by putting in a little extra effort with the people around you.

Chaneen Saliee as Mum

As you may, or may not (depending on who you are) know, I have recently embarked upon the most amazing, important and beautiful journey which is motherhood.

Now for the truth, thus far the journey has been lovely, worrisome and poopy! I continually worry about everything.

‘Am I doing the right thing?’

I ask

Siri

On a daily basis!!

And she never has a clue, because she’s never had a human child and never seems to understand anything I say.

Anyway – I am doing the right thing, for a first timer, because anything we do, out of love for little pumpkins is the right thing, even when it’s not!

My little pumpkin is almost three months old now. And I was telling her, just yesterday, that the hard part is over (I don’t really know how true this is, but don’t tell her that) we both made it through the fourth trimester and we are stronger and more alive than ever before. She laughed and pulled her hair. Which made me stop my story telling and ask Siri why she’s pulling her hair, again!

I got nothing.

So here I am today, thinking about how hilarious, wonderful and woeful the past three months have been. So I’ve decided to start a BabyLog (Blog); Miss Chaneen Saliee as Mum.

Check back for updates, laughs and ‘is this normal’s.

‘XO

When Children Lie

Depending on the age of our children lying may not actually be what we tend to think it is.

Young children have not yet developed a rational mind (think believing in the Easter bunny) and fantasy and reality may be intertwined.

So let’s say you ask them “did you eat the cookie?”

They think, ‘oh boy, I took the cookie and I know it wasn’t mine. I wish there was a way that I could put it back. Maybe if I say that I didn’t take it, then it will all change back.’

They say, “no”.

What happens next?

Well usually, we would talk to them, encourage them not to lie to us. But now? I hope we will be prompted to think about why the lie may have happened. Rather than thinking, ‘here before me stands a naughty, lying kid.’

Furthermore, let’s talk about why we don’t even want to be lied to in the first place.

Why do we not want to be lied to?

It’s a fear of the the unknown. There, I said it. We want to feel a sense of control, a sense of knowing what comes next, so that we can feel safe.

When we imagine a future full of lies – because, after all, if we let this one slip, we might as welcome a lifetime full of them – we feel like we never know the truth. We think we will lose control and that makes us panic.

When we panic, we say things with an agenda of our own. “You shouldn’t lie.” But do we ever explain why? And when we do explain, what do you say?

Do we make it about uplifting and intrinsically motivating for the child? Do we say, ‘because when you lie, you hold on to a worry that someone may find out? That can become uncomfortable for you.’

Or do we say, “because it’s wrong to lie and no one is I’ll be able to trust you?” Making it about other people, and therefore extrinsically motivating?

When a child lies to us and we know they are lying, we feel as though we are being disrespected. As though that child does not respect or fear us enough to do what we want them to do.

When in reality that child has their own reasons for saying and doing what they did. Could they, perhaps, wish to change reality and take back what they did?

That is absolutely a possibility.

Lies aren’t all bad.

They’re an indication that we need to communicate more or communicate in more friendly ways. Ways in the which children’s lies aren’t interpreted as disrespectful. Ways in which we adults do not need to resort to force or punishment to get the truth.

The truth comes much easier than that… when we allow it. When we actually, really want to know why our children are aligning with and imagining an alternative reality.

When we show we care for every aspect of our Children’s lives, even when they lie us we actually get to know them – for real.

But if we come with brute force every time they ‘step out of line’ then we never really get to know them.

I have a question for you to think about.

When you lied as a child, what happened? How did your grown ups react? It would be so good for the collective if you shared your answers. The more voices we hear, the more we really get to know the world. Speak up, and make you voice heard here, if you wish.

Let’s communicate more in more friendly and open minded ways.

As always, sending you all love, light and good energy.

I’m Back!

Hey Guys, 

It’s been so long since I’ve written on my blog. I’ve been thinking about it for a while – to come back and share my journey over here as well. 1. So you have a place to find me should anything ever happen to my instagram, I started to think this after a recent scare where I got locked out of my account. 2. I can share more of a range of content here. AND 3. If feels a little less restricted, there are less expectations and rules around my blog. 

Anyway, if you are here, thank you for being here my lovely little bumble bee. I appreciate being here with you on this journey.

Blog posts to go live as and when I have them. 

Sending you lots of love, 

Chaneen x 

Creative Play with Recycled Hipp Organic UK containers

 Reusing resources we have all around us is a great and sustainable way to play with and entertain our little people. Often times they prefer using and playing with everyday items over toys anyway.

We’ve had a lot of fun playing around with the @hipporganicuk pots to do things like painting, soil and water games and I came up with this awesome game with the lids. Introducing … DIY

SLOTS Machine.

Preparation: I just cut a hole in the top of a box (3 seconds)
Demonstration: put one lid into the box through the hole (1 second)
Children’s engagement with activity: they keep on and on and on putting the kids in the boxes (24 hours of peace)

Honestly, honestly honestly BOTH the girls were at this for hours*

*by hours I mean minutes, maybe only 10 of them, but in comparison to the length of time they usually spend on an activity I have spent ages setting up, this felt like hours. 😂😂 I’ll share a video soon so you can see what I mean.

You have to try this it’s really good for their cognitive development ANDDDD it’s really good to get in a quick wee in peace #hipptwist.

MUD Kitchen

Preparation: gather some soil / sand and some water. If you are doing this in an indoors setting then you probably want to make sure that you in an easy clean area. (1 minute)

Demonstration: Mix some soil and water and show them how to carefully pour the mixture into more soil (to become thicker) or more water (to become thinner). (1 minute)

Playing with soil, water and sand is great for children’s cognitive development. It allows them to fine tune their hand eye coordination whilst attempting to pour from once jar to another or to scoop certain amount out. It’s an activity that promises hours of fun.

COUNTING

Preparation: gather a number of jars and a lids (1 minute)

Demonstration and Play: create little clusters of lids and or jars and just count through them. Take one away and encourage you little one to notice the new number of items. This is a game that you will spend playing with your child to keep them engaged. You can make it fun each time by hiding the items in different places (such as in a bag or in a box).

These are just a few activities that you can come back to over and over again.

I can’t wait to see what you get up to – leave a comment below to let me know what you will try.

What No one Tells You About Early Motherhood. Poetic ✨

You see that smile upon your face

Sometimes it’ll grow

But sometimes it’ll fade

You’ll feel euphoric

watching your babe

Then you’ll feel numb

And you’ll hide you face

You’ll cry a lot and keep it a secret

Until another mum shows the deepest

Darkest

Places within her mind

And you’ll try to be kind

“Extreme thoughts

They say

It’s commonplace”

But never ever will you feel like you can say

What your thoughts are

Just in case

They will come and snatch your babe away

That smile upon your face will grow

And other women will comment on your glow

And a surge or hormones will course through your body and your bones

And you will know

Because the change in your emotions,

And your thoughts, in your soul

Will be dire, dramatic,

Beyond problematic

That smile upon your face will grow

And then with the smallest woe, it’ll go

And the way you see the world will change

From those first moments with baby

When you’re all ecstatic

To this moment right here

Which feels traumatic

Because you dropped your biscuit in your tea

And you can’t see how life can ever be

okay again

And it doesn’t make sense

Because you didn’t really want the biscuit

Or the tea

And you’re crying and weeping on your knees

When all you really want to do is sleep

But your all alone

And baby won’t …

He or she won’t go to sleep

He won’t properly feed

And you think back to when you agreed

To do this 50/50 before you conceived

But you’re on your own

Again

That smile upon your face will grow

And it’ll go

And at times you may need to borrow

The smile on the face of others

To fuel your own

But that smile, that smile upon your face

Will show up again and again

And your babe will know

You love them.

Breastfeeding aversion and agitation/ Nursing aversion

This post simply outlines what nursing aversion is.

What is it?

Nursing aversion is the overwhelming negative feeling and sensations some breastfeeding mothers experiences during breastfeeding sessions.

Who experiences it?

It is most common among women who are feeding older children, breastfeeding while pregnant or breastfeeding around the menstrual cycle. It appears to be strongly linked with the fluctuation of a mother’s hormones. However, there have been some cases when mother’s to younger babies or who aren’t pregnant or menstruating experience nursing aversion.

Nursing aversion usually only happens during a feed. It tends to cease once the feed is over.

What does it feel like?

Some mothers explain that they feel:

Claustrophobic

Anxious

As if their skin is crawling

As if they want to throw their baby off them

As if they never ever want to breastfeed this child again

Angry

Breathless

How to remedy it?

Breathing – taking long deep breaths throughout he feeding session helps. It helps because it takes you attention away from the sensation and the thoughts and makes you focus on your breath.

Magnesium – is said to have properties which helps mothers who suffer from nursing aversion.

Timed (shortened) sessions – knowing how long you have left to endure this experience helps you to realise it’s not long and you are strong enough bough to cope. Otherwise it can feel like it’s lasting a life time.

Correcting latch – ensuring your little on is latched on properly and isn’t fidgeting too much may help.

Cuddle alternative – instead of breastfeeding just cuddle you little one or take a bath together. Offer an alternative for them to be close to you, without having to latch on and nurse.

Put self in toddlers shoes – try to understand how your toddler might be feeling in that moment. They need you for comfort.

Hydrate – drink loads of water, it’s the cure for everything.

Sleep – lack of sleep tends to make nursing aversion feel a lot worse than it already is. Perhaps if you figure out when you are likely to experience nursing aversion (coming up to your time of the months again) plan to do less things, plan to get more rest, plan to get family over to watch little one while you get an extra nap.

Time out – take time away physically and mentally. You need to have moments to your self when you are not in demand. Even if it’s just 5 minutes locked in the bathroom doing some breathing.

Acknowledge child is not to blame – this is the best advice of all. If you can remind yourself that this experience is to do with your mind, and your hormones and you baby is not doing anything wrong at all, you may, be able to override the awful feeling with a sense of morale and protection.

Wean – sometimes our mental health is more important that our goals and milestones. If breastfeeding through nursing aversion is making you an anxious-about-the-next-feed, can’t-think-straight-anymore, snap-at-all-the-babies-and-loved-ones-in-sight, actually-almost-threw-baby-off-my-lap-once then perhaps the best thing would be to wean. I’d always recommend reaching out for help and support first and to make a clear assessment of life before deciding to wean, but if it’ll make you and your life better then it’s an option for a reason.

Support groups – there are groups out there where you can find mothers who share their experiences and advice.

On Facebook: Breastfeeding Aversion and Agitation Awareness

If you have any other tips on how to overcome nursing aversion, please comment below. It’ll go a long way.

Representation Matters Because

When I worked in a school in west London, with a very extensive Asian community, where I taught English, creative writing was a favourite subject. I told the students ‘write what you know and just let the words flow. We’ll redraft it and redraft it again.’

I remember sitting down to mark their writing. These beautiful Asian girls and boys, writing descriptions about their main characters: ‘he had blond hair and blue eyes, they sparkled like the sea’.

What? I thought. Their main characters were white? Unless there’s a race of the Asian community I’d never heard of.

I was young, and I was trained to become a teacher in an all white cohort at university, I was the only black trainee teacher among us. And this topic of race never surfaced, in the predominantly white schools I trained in. Teaching at this school in west London, I didn’t know how to approach this. Do I suggest that they should write about an Asian main character? Is that too heavy to talk to these children about? I questioned myself over and over but I never really acted on it.

I did similar exercises throughout the school with different ages groups, hoping that maybe I might notice this trend change as the student got older.

It didn’t.

On the odd occasion where I did read about a Harpreet or a Pavinjot or an Adebanjo was in the short exercises, where the students knew they were going to be sharing it with the class; when the students were writing as if it were a joke, when they wanted to make the rest of the class laugh. Not in their serious assessments. Not ever.

I don’t recall being given any texts (from the curriculum) that were focused on a main character of colour either, perhaps that’s because we are in Europe, it’s British fiction and American fiction that we are made to teach because that the culture here? It’s not really, but that’s what the education reflects, a very Eurocentric experiences.

It has an impact. It has an effect.

And it’s not good that the first person a child of colour comes up with for a fictional text at school is a white person. I taught less than 20 white children in a group of over 300 across the school and this was the case for almost all of them. Isn’t that shocking?

Our children need to see themselves!

Our children need to see other cultures.

Our children need to know that it is normal to be themselves. That brown skin and dark hair is beautiful to and worthy of their creative efforts. They need to know that names like Asim, Zhao and Anesu are beautiful too.

✨

So, I’m grateful, so so grateful to be able to be sharing this imagery with my girls thanks to brands such as @fefusdesigns and #fefusdesigns.

Representation matters! Even if you are white in Europe or America, it helps to have imagery of people of colour around the home, it helps to show your children too that they can write stories with characters of colour.

….

One student said to his class. White people are obviously more clever than black people. That’s why there’s only been one black president.

I listened to that and I was shocked. I didn’t blame him, he was a child, I didn’t label him as racist, no doubt he’d grow up to be though with beliefs like these. I simply did my duty, I educated him on the fact that that was not true. Although, the text in this case that we were made to teach this particular class saw the only boy of colour being raised by animals, and at odds with the civil, white people who owned the fire, (which says a lot in it self about how the white author recognised race). The Jungle Book anyone? I can only hope that these lessons helped him understand the world in a clearer way.

Please – will you tag and share any books + brands below that us parents of all races can buy to show our children the world. If we don’t do this, our children will grow up to be ignorant, children of colour will not see themselves as fit to star in their own novels and plays and movies, and white children will grow up to have superiority complexes and unintentionally or other wise become white saviours.

Neither of these scenarios are okay, but they are happening now all around us and we don’t even know it.

Thank you for reading this far, please leave a comment with you thoughts. It’ll help know you know how many people this actually got through to and how many more times I need to shout about this.

Love you all for being here, because I know you’re already doing amazing and you will continue to do so to make our future fair ❤️

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